Sunday, September 07, 2014

我终于领悟到了。感情放得越多,伤得越重。曾经跟自己说要永远放100%. 现在,我办不到了。心,开始冷了。得到的是一次,又一次,的伤。

Saturday, August 02, 2014

You wouldn't believe me if I told you I'm really loving you with all I've got, right? 
That is all I've got.























I'm sorry its not enough for you.

Monday, July 21, 2014

:(

Hey blog.

How have "you" been doing? Sorry for neglecting you for the past year or so.


Since my blog no longer has any viewers, its probably alright.


About a year ago I got myself injured. Well honestly, never had I felt happier to be injured.
Now now before you start calling me dumb, you have to listen to my story.


Well during my medical leave, which was about a week or so, despite the pain and inability to move my finger, I decided to find something to do rather than just waste my leave away.
Medical leaves are hard to come by you know. Just the fact that your health is in danger alone is enough to deter me from getting medical leaves no matter how many medical leaves I'm entitled to.


During one of the days while I was sitting on the couch staring blankly at the television which wasn't turned on.
I thought : Hey, maybe I can find some social apps and randomly chat to people. Seems like the in thing now.

So I did. I downloaded a couple of apps. Like skout, okcupid, badoo, whatever.
Let me first state that I downloaded the apps with no intention to be in friendships/relationships or whatever.
It was merely a tool to help me pass time.

Alright I'm a guy, so for my choice I always put "Guy interested in Girls". I don't want to chat with dudes. Simple as that.
When I opened the doors to the online social dating apps, I was completely shocked.

"Wow so this is how these apps are like! Lemme look at their features"

Cutting short on the details, these apps slowly got boring for me. Mainly because of a few reasons.
1) Profiles are often exaggerated
2) People are too full of themselves in their descriptions
3) People are sometimes rude


Let me tell you, chatting with a stranger isn't as easy as just saying "Hi! wanna chat?"
It has to go something like "Hi, I was looking through your profile and I realize we share the same kind hobby! Maybe we can exchange thoughts? You look excellent by the way. :)"

Holymama. yes that is how troublesome it is.
Its almost as though those girls thinks they're so freaking attractive both on the inside and outside.
SORRY NO. CHAT. ONLY CHAT.

Well in the end I deleted the apps in disappointment. I mean, hey they aren't even what they're proclaimed to be. At least not 100%. I still believe there are those who are willing to chat with an open heart, though the number is small.



Months passed and on a fateful day I got bored. I downloaded one of the apps again.
This time, I came across a profile of a girl who happens to be my girlfriend in the future.


Her display picture was a very simple picture of her face from the 10 O'clock direction, if I remember correctly. It was pleasant. But it wasn't the type of feature where I'll go,"woh this chick is hawt!".
What drew me in was her detailed description of herself and her opinions and her views about the world.
Thus I decided I had to at least initiate a conversation with this lady. YOLO.


"I like the way how you perceive yourself as one who's from the previous age of social expression.
The current age is much worst if you benchmark it against"dude and chicks" salutation. 
Not many people do appreciate visits to the museums nor civilization studies like you do. If I may ask, what do you major in? 
I'm exactly not skilled in fanciful greetings, so I guess I'll just go with a: Hi, I'm Garry. Nice to "meet" you."


She replied.
I almost cried.

Her name was Nerizza.
She say her name was a variation of a character from a Shakespearean play and had Greek origins. It means "Of the sea".

She was really verbal. At least in the written way at the point in time.
It was a string of replies quickly clarifying why she removed her display pictures and how she wouldn't want to create misunderstandings and will quickly upload display photos of herself the moment she finds a suitable one. She also mentions how previously people had preconceived notions about her and her actions and thoughts.  


"I like what you wrote in your profile by the way. : ) I do mean it."
  
She got me through her words, really hard.
Never had I encountered someone who is so sincere in writing to another person they didn't know.
The way how she immediately sets the picture right to prevent miscomms.
But I knew she had certainly suffered from friendship/relationship problems in the past.

I have to continue. She is really special.

We continued exchanging conversations for the next few days before exchanging contacts.
She was a gem I told her. I was a hundred and one percent serious. I just felt that I have this connection with her somehow.

That being said, I actually do sincerely wish to keep in contact with you. :) 

If you don't mind. 

:)


And I do wish to get to know you. 

Cheers. :)


And that was how we began....


A peek into each other's facebook was the perfect way to take a look into their lives.
Although it a very surface approach, at least, we gave ourselves the chance and opportunity into each other's life.

We continued to talk on facebook almost every night. Knowing each other more.
One day, we decided to meet each other for a meal at Takashimaya.


I still remember that day. It was Hongtat's and Jason's farewell lunch at raffles place. They were going to the states for 2 years. It was a buffet lunch. Had to eat as much as I could because I didn't want to waste their money for inviting me yet not being able to utilize it properly.


After the lunch, I immediately went to Takashimaya. Didn't want to be late. It was our first meet. "I can't be late for the first meet. Zero tolerance."
There I stood. By a pillar and looking at every single person passing by scanning for her.
It was nerve wracking I swear. I mean, its not like everyday where you're turning up for a meetup alone. In this case, I was waiting alone, anxiously, waiting to meet someone, a girl, I kindda fancy.
She told me she was on her way from somerset. Getting a smoothie drink on the way.

Blue dress. Shades on her hair. A drink on her hand.
Gotta be her I told myself.
It was her.
Holymama. She was beautiful.


We've agreed on crystal jade earlier on, so we proceeded there after a few exchange of handshakes and greetings.
It was the most intense moment in my life. My lifespan was probably shortened by a few days thinking about things to talk about with her and maintaining that conversation, keeping it going.
I have to thank her because of her effort to keep things going.
We had a lighthearted conversation during the meal. Enough for us to know each other even better.
Of course everything comes to an end. After the meal I walked her to the bus stop before bidding her goodbye.
I think I really like her.

I actually went shopping at uniqlo after that and bought a pair of chinos because I felt so happy.
Please slap me.



Sadly, that was the first and last time I saw her for the upcoming months.
Things took a drastic change and I couldn't react.

Our conversations started getting lesser and lesser. She didn't reply me.
At times, she would just reply me in sentences so short and go missing.
Her whatsapp didn't show her last seen. I could only see whether she was online or offline.
Confused. I was really confused. What exactly was happening. Did I do something wrong? Was I annoying her? Was she avoiding me?


I didn't pester her with questions. It was rude and  intruding.
I thought to myself, perhaps I really failed.

But then things changed.
It was slowly revealed to me through her messages that she was suffering from depression.
How could she? I was determined to fine out. In fact I was determined to assist her in anyway I could.

I don't know. I really don't. The more I talked to her, the more connected I felt and the more I couldn't just leave it hanging. Never had I felt like this. To care for somebody who's unwell. I knew it was more than sympathy. The feeling just isn't the same. I had to help her out, put her up in anyway I could.


She told me she was under medication and it makes her drowsy and lethargic. Thus she was unable to live normally. Her daily routine was to wake up, eat, take medicine and sleep.
There was little I could do. Except waiting for her reply before I type out a series of replies to check how she was doing and some encouragement.

I like her. I like her very much. I wanted to help her but I couldn't. Circumstances just didn't warrant enough for me to do so.
All I could do was to share a little of my life with her once in a while. It didn't matter whether she read them or not. It didn't matter whether she appreciates it or not. It didn't matter whether it was helping her or not. I just wanted to share with her the interesting parts.

The only replies I got was seeing messages going from a single tick to a double tick.
It was more than enough. I glad to be sharing my life with someone I like. If shes against it, she could tell me and I would probably stop, forever.


Soon after I started getting replies. Actual replies.
She was getting better.
Best news ever.


We began talking again. Though she wasn't as verbal as she used to. I was glad she was sharing with me her recovery process. Things she was doing and places she was visiting.
I started looking for her to have actual conversations with her around her house. It was great, to be able to see her and talk to her.


We went for a "date" during Christmas. Walking through the streets of orchard.
We went for a "date" during New year's eve. Celebrating the new year with fireworks.
More talks.
More video calls.
More photos.
Feelings grew.
Our feelings towards each other grew.


On the night before Chinese new year's eve, I asked her to be my girlfriend.
"Can we be official?" I asked her.
Til this day, I'm still very guilt stricken that I didn't pop the question nicely.
I've been looking for the opportunity to do so but I'm still slow.
I'm sorry baby.


Here we are. We've been together since 29th January and we've shared many moments together. Positive and negative.


Is this what it feels like to be in love?
She is always the number one I want to share my life with.
Lending her my listening hear for all her stories and woes is my priority.
Her life was practically what I'm only interested about after a hard day at work.
Seeing her makes me forget all the problems on hand.
Treating her well and understanding her was my way of loving her the best I can.


But sometimes I just can't help it but feel inferior to her.
She comes from a well to do family. I come from a enough to do family.
She smart. While I'm struggling to even be accepted by local uni.
Her taste for exquisite things. While I'm contended with the simplest things.
Her intellectual deep thinking. While I choose not to dwell too much into details.
Her love for poetic readings. While I prefer informative articles.
Shes sometimes very gossipy. While I'm quite a quiet guy.


She always says she don't know why she loves me because we have so little in common.
The same goes for me actually. I'm also wondering sometimes why she loves me.
Sometimes somethings just can't be explained.

Deep inside me I'm really very afraid of losing her.
I'm afraid if I let go of her, what would become of me, what would become of her.
Even though we have little in common, she has already become part of my life.
She has taught me how to care for others in methods I've never done before.
And I'm constantly learning how to be a better person, a better boyfriend for her.
I'm willing to give her everything without returns. That is something I could've never done in the past.



I just had a quarrel her yesterday and I made it very harsh.

I poured out my heart like a waterfall.
And I meant everything I said.
I won't unsay because for once I want her to take me seriously with what I'm going through.

I know its partly my fault. But how can it be entirely my fault.
Do you know the feeling I was going through? I don't want to feel that way but I just can't. I was just like a third party at that moment. Do you know how hurting it was? I was there but I wasn't there. I'm not asking for total attention. I just wanted you treat me as though I was around, not just someone following behind.


I really don't get whats going through her and what she is trying to hide.
Because until today, she is still very reserved about our releasing our relationship.
Whenever I ask, she'll avoid my question, leaving me hanging.
What is going on baby. Can you please tell me.

I'm not forcing you to shout out loud to people we're together.
I just want to know why.... What is it you're uncomfortable with....













Sunday, December 15, 2013

Hi guys. "Guys" are but empty vessels here. Probably no one reads my blog anymore. Neither do I actually. Decided to type in garryredchaos on the address bar, which led me back to my dear little blog. My once, so actively updated blog. Clicked on a few links from my blog, and realized, so many have quit blogging. Seems like the blogging trend is over, blogging is now like a diary, writing for your future self. We're all growing up. Leading different paths now. Some of us are still lost. Others not so. For me, I have my checkpoint in mind. But right now, its like walking along a straight path towards my checkpoint in my sight. In between there are surprises waiting for me though. How exactly is my life? Well, don"t ask, I'll slightly tell. Signing on hasn't really been so bad actually. Largely because of the people I encounter in my squadron. Much of them had influenced me positively to achieve what I want. Except for those few lower aptitude ones. Its not longer like that past, during my schooling days where I can afford to procrastinate and waste my life away waiting for miracles to happen. I have to work towards the future I want and I'm working towards it. What am I working towards? Well firstly my degree (duh). After my degree I'm probably gonna continue in the engineering sector. Im not much of a fan of the aviation sector after experiencing it. There is this fear when you are certifying the air-worthiness of an aircraft. Like what people always say, when you car breaks down you can stop it at the road shoulder, but when an aircraft breaks down in flight, there is no stopping. My current directing myself into the research sector, but who knows, I still have 3 years left before I study, things might change later, after 5 years. Life is always uncertain. Next? These are even wilder dreams to be achieved. But I'll still keep them in my list. I'll probably go into the "passive income" stuffs when I'm "richer" eventually. You need the capital to invest anyway. Bonds, stocks, properties. Who knows? I might even be a shareholder of a company. Or even owning my own company. Don't laugh. Its possible, because I choose to be a dreamer of the day. Dreamers of the day are dangerous men for they may act their dream with open eyes to make it possible. Don't deny your chance and opportunity. But whatever, hey its like 340am in the morning and im typing all these so i can laugh at myself in the future. I guess thats it guys( practically its me only). An update after 10 months. Better than none eh? XOXO