Sunday, August 30, 2015

Counting down 482 days.

The day I'll be free. The day where I can finally do the things that I wanted. The day where my choices and decisions affect the rest of my life.
I've been preparing for this day and I'm still preparing for this day.
It won't be easy stepping out of this circle initially. It certainly won't be easy for me to juggle between school and work for the upcoming 4 years. But i'll do my best and do everyone important to me proud.

Thursday, December 18, 2014

I want and I need a cuddle on the bed with you the entire day.

Sunday, December 14, 2014

"Just like last year"

It hurts me to see you like this. On my part, I feel so helpless, especially when you're so important to me.
I did what I needed to. To give us space so you can heal in your own pace and so I can re-look at myself.
Not the best situation we're in but I have faith, I really do.

I was once a very confident man, told myself "lol I don't need love. And I certainly won't crumble to a heartbreak. Afterall, love helps to enrich me better not sustain me. Guess I kindda got lost in the process.

From a confident man who doesn't blink at love, I chose to take a leap of faith and fall in love with you. You are truly beautiful, a gem like I told you.
From a confident man I became a caring man. I started learning how to look out and care for you. Your wants, needs, emotions, struggles. I took into account of your well being at a start and end for all my decisions so that its a good one for you.
From a caring man, I became a still caring, but not so attached man. You went away. I became needy.
Asking myself from day to day, what would I become without you.
From a needy man, I became lost. I lost myself into this game of love. I thought I could handled it well, afterall love helps to enrich me not sustain me. But seems like I was wrong.
I was stuck in a cycle where I care for you, sometimes too much, you push me away, I get hurt but that scumbag optimism haunts me and I'm back again to care for you.

In the midst of all these, roughly about a year, I stopped loving myself. My day to day activities were all about and for you. My life was revolving around you. Now that I realized.
This is definitely not the type of person I thought I would become. How could I starve myself from myself, while feeding myself to you. I didn't love myself enough and now that I think about it, I'm really angry at myself. But its not solely because of you. I just didn't know how to handle myself well. Sometimes you gotta fall to learn.

I guess I truly didn't understand what you really need at this point in time: To face your battles alone.
I thought that you need someone to be there for you and keep you in line. I'm easily discouraged and that why I repeatedly get pissed when you go hot and cold.

We're at both ends of the world when it comes into recovery.
You were the type who required sufficient "me-time" from everybody and everything.
I was the type who needed to be flooded with concerns for validation.

For now, we shall both fight in our own areas.
Believe me, I still yearn for the day where you'll come back to me after all these ends.

"If marriage wasn't the goal of this relationship, I wouldn't have begun on this journey at all."

"I tell myself you don't mean a thing,
 And what we got, got no hold on me 
But when you're not there I just crumble 
I tell myself I don't care that much, 
But I feel like I die 'til I feel your touch, 

Only love, only love can hurt like this, 
Only love can hurt like this
 Must have been a deadly kiss 
Only love can hurt like this"

Thursday, December 04, 2014

What have we done.
Why have we become like this.
We had a choice.
We could have fight against the world together.
Look where we are now.
Looking back to our past, I really miss those happy times.
Even though we aren't physically beside each other, we knew we had each other inside our hearts.
I miss those times. I really really miss those times.
Those times where we live independently and but yet stay connected consistently.
It was a connection that doesn't require constant communication.
It was a connection that at the end of each day we'll come back to each other and share our adventures, embrace each other and recharge together for the next day.
It was a connection that I was able to live independently and yet provide for you wholeheartedly without suffocating.
It was a connection where we would send each other surprise selfies or jokes to cheer each other up despite our busy schedules.
It was a connection that made me decided that you were the one, the one whom I will fight with over the smallest things, the one whom I will share my laughter with at the passerbys over a coffee in a cafe, the one whom I can return to after my hardest battles for comfort,  the one I will stay with for the rest of my life, the one whom I will wed, the one who would bear my child.
Besides my family, you were the first and only person who gave me strength to fight against all obstacle and be victorious.
I have never thought I that my mindset would shift from my own self-success to a success fought for someone I love so much. You changed me and that alone is important enough.